Marriage

Due to the recent birth of our beautiful baby girl, Nora Faith, I’ve rounded up an All-Star list of moms who effortlessly seem to manage work, home, family, life, and everything in between! You can read all their words of motherly wisdom here, as well as how they manage to “do it all” while still living a life they love.

I’ll be sharing my own thoughts and baby updates soon enough, but right now, I’m simply soaking up their trusted advice while cuddling with my new baby girl! 

The following is written by Jill from The Diaper Diaries:

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When I married my husband, I must admit, I was anxious to add to our family. I have always been a “kid” person and had wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. My husband, on the other hand, had never really spent a ton of time around kids; and although he wanted kids, wasn’t in as much of a hurry.

Looking back I am so grateful for the two years we were married before we had our daughter. I have so many wonderful memories of the time when our family was just the two of us. And I think it set a strong foundation for our marriage.

And then there were three.

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I distinctly remember the feelings I had after Lily was born — my heart hadn’t just stretched to make room for HER, but I also loved my husband more deeply than before. Watching him embrace fatherhood and fall in love with his daughter brought out intense feelings in me.

But it’s amazing how time goes on, the dishes piled up, we got low on sleep, had more kids, more responsibilities, more commitments, and those intense feelings began to fade.

And if I am completely honest, those kids can steal bigger and bigger pieces of my heart.

Do you know what is the MOST important gift you can give your kids?

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It isn’t the top stroller, or the right swaddle method (although that can be a life saver) or even the proper sleep schedule. It is a strong relationship between their mom and dad. And the only way to do that is to do exactly opposite of what is natural to do.

It isn’t hard to put your kids first once you have them. They make it VERY clear when they need something. And if you don’t jump the second they make that clear, they will make it even clearer!

Our husbands are often more subtle. And surely, as grown men, they don’t need us near as much as these children that are helpless without us. But I assure you, your husband needs you too. And he will hopefully be there long after your kids gone.

Take off your mom hat from time to time and put on your wife hat!

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Get away without the kids even when they stand by the door and beg you to stay home. Don’t just throw the kids at your husband when he gets home and run (guilty!!), but greet him with a kiss.

The treasures of raising children are truly priceless; but if we are doing it at the cost of our marriage, the whole family loses. So make sure you continue to invest in your marriage and I promise, it will pay dividends far into the future.

When was the last time you wore your “wife hat”?

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Jill is the author of The Diaper Diaries. She has been changing diapers for 6+ years as a stay at home mom of three children. She also has a devoted husband who graciously puts up with this little internet hobby. They all probably wish she would exercise a bit more discretion as she shares their life’s ups, downs and in-betweens with anyone willing to read it. You can (almost always) find her on Twitter @DiaperDiaries.

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Dave is a high school teacher…which means he can’t just pick up his cell phone to answer my call or send me a text message at a moment’s notice {especially since students aren’t allowed to used cell phones in class!}

And anyone who has kids knows that the hour or so after they get home from school is not exactly an ideal time for adult conversations either! The girls always unpack their lunches right away, everyone wants a snack, I’m making dinner or putting groceries away, Dave needs to sit and zone out for at least 30 minutes while reading the paper… etc. etc. It’s just a crazy time of day!

We usually have some good family discussions over dinner, but that’s still not time for JUST Dave and I to talk. And then the hours after dinner are filled with kitchen clean-up, homework, “regular” work, laundry, making sure lunches are packed and showers are taken… and then it’s time for bed.

Can you relate?

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Because of our crazy schedules, we’ve had to come up with alternate methods to communicate with each other throughout the day… mostly so I don’t go insane keeping everything inside

How we communicate:

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Email:

We usually send at least one or two short emails every day — especially if we need to ask a question or remind the other person to do something.

Since we both have access to our email pretty much all day long, this is by far the easiest way to communicate… at least for us.

Google Chat:

We’ve recently started using Google Chat… usually it’s not for anything super important, just to stay connected. The other day, I got taken out for lunch by a friend so right before Dave’s lunch period, I quickly “chatted” him to to brag that I was going to lunch… stuff like that!

I love seeing messages pop up from him throughout the day — and sometimes we’ll even “chat” with each other while we’re in the same room, just so no one else can hear!

Paper Lists:

Yes, I actually make lists of things I want to talk to Dave about when he gets home — or later that night. Sometimes it’s just so that I don’t forget. Other times it’s because I have exciting information and I want him to be the first one I tell it to… so by writing it down, I’ll remember not to tell anyone else first.

Pillow Talk:

There are many days when we don’t even have one moment alone until we’re in bed and half asleep {and I suspect this will get even worse once the baby comes!} However, we’ve gotten into the habit of talking for a few minutes before we fall asleep. Sometimes we just have a couple things to say, other night we talk for longer… until Dave finally says, “we HAVE to go to bed, I’m so tired!”

I know this might sound ridiculous to some of you, but it seems there are always little things that come up throughout the day; and since we basically can’t use our phones all day long, we had to come up with other methods of communication to stay connected.  

Oh, and for those of you wondering what will happen if I go into labor during the school day — let me just reassure you that Dave WILL have his phone on with the volume turned all the way up until this little girl arrives! And he’s already warned his students that his phone might ring at any time! 

What are your favorite ways to communicate with your spouse or significant other?

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Dave and me on our wedding day {for better or worse… right!}

I work with lots of women to help them organize their homes and lives — and I speak for women’s events all over the state. And no matter who I’m working with or what type of group I’m speaking to, the two most common question I get time and time again are:

1. How can we help our kids to get/stay organized?

2. What can we do about our messy spouse?

I shared my thoughts about how to help your kids stay organized a week or so ago, and today… I’m going to talk about dealing with a messy spouse!

Before I get started though, I just want to point out that I am not complaining about Dave — he is beyond helpful around the house and is usually more than willing to do whatever I ask him to do. Yes, I know I’m blessed!

I also want to point out that there is NOT a “quick fix” or easy solution for a messy spouse, especially if you’ve been married for a long time and he/she is stuck in their messy ways. However, I’m convinced that change IS possible, so don’t give up!

Here are a few things to think about as you try to “teach” and encourage your spouse to be less messy.

1. You have to first MODEL good behavior for them.

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Seriously, I shouldn’t even have to mention this, but if YOU aren’t willing to put your dishes away, hang up your clothes, make the bed, or pick up the house, then how on earth can you expect your spouse to do those things?

You’d be surprised how many people I work work who sit a complain about their spouse, but I know that they aren’t doing much to get organized or stay organized either.

2. You’ll need to actually ASK them to do it.

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This was something I learned VERY early on in my marriage — if I didn’t ask, it probably was not going to get done. Like I mentioned earlier, Dave is super helpful around the house and is always more than willing to do almost anything I ask… but I do have to ask. 

If I don’t ask him to vacuum, he’s not just going to be watching TV and think, “hmmmm, I think the carpet could use a good vacuuming right about now!” And there are many times when he might walk past a clothes basket full of clean clothes without ever thinking to fold them. However if I simply ask him to do it, he almost always does it without any complaining or hesitation!

Dave even lets make him lists of things to do {like on a Saturday or if I’m going to be gone} and everything is usually crossed off by the time I get home

3. Make sure you SHOW them how to do it.

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If someone asked you to do something you’ve never done before, you’d have a pretty difficult time doing it without some instructions…right! Well, the same goes for your spouse — maybe they just need to be shown how to do something.

And please do NOT think that because they’ve witnessed you do it 101 times already, they should know how to do it themselves. You would think this should be the case, but it’s not. In my experience, men are very unperceptive and they could watch you do something buy not really pay attention to HOW you do it.

So if you want the bathrooms cleaned a certain way or the dishwasher loaded a certain way, SHOW them how.

4. Back off and LET them do it.

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Once you’ve asked them to do something and showed them how to do it, then back off! Don’t be a “helicopter spouse” and hoover around watching to make sure they do it perfectly! That is super annoying — and I know this because Dave told me how annoying it was when I did it to him early on in our marriage!

He said that if I wanted him to help out, then I would have to relax and let him do it his way. Maybe it wasn’t exactly they way I would fold the clothes or load the dishwasher, but it was good enough!

Obviously, if they are really messing things up {like using bleach in the colored laundry} then you’ll want to correct them — but that’s it. Don’t correct them and then hoover around waiting for them to make another mistake!

5. COMPLIMENT and THANK them repeatedly.

Yes, I know we don’t always {or ever} get thanked each time we do a load of laundry, empty the dishwasher, pick up the newspaper for the 200th time, etc. etc. However, if you want your spouse to do more around the house and to be less messy, simple compliments, praises, and thanks go a long way.

My main “love language” is Acts of Service — which means I really DO appreciate it when Dave is willing to help out around the house {especially now that I’m 8+ month’s pregnant!} It’s the best gift he could give me — and he knows that too.

So every time he does anything like folding a load of laundry, washing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning out the dishwasher, etc. I make sure to say thank you… and I try not to take it for granted.

I know some of you might be thinking these steps could never work — but would it hurt to at least give them a try?

Like I mentioned earlier, it will be much more difficult if you’ve been living with a messy spouse for 10, 20, or 45 years because they’ve been trained to believe that their messiness is OK. However, there really is still hope — especially if you can explain how important it is to you.

What are your best tips for dealing with a messy spouse?

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Today is Dave and my FIVE year anniversary!!

And even though our marriage is definitely not perfect {I assume none are} we truly are each other’s perfect match!

For example:

• I really like to cook and bake. Dave really likes to eat, and he almost always does the dishes before I even ask.
• I hate to iron. Dave is a master “ironer” and does all our ironing.
• I don’t like driving. Dave loves to drive.
• I really enjoy painting {which has come in handy with all our house projects}. Dave does not like painting, but is willing to tape for me if I ask.
• I love details. Dave could care less about details.
• I love to shop and find great deals. Dave would be thrilled if he never had to step foot in a mall for the rest of his life.
• I like to rush through everything. Dave reads all the instructions, follows directions, and makes sure it’s done right.

But one of Dave’s best qualities {in my opinion} is his ability to lighten the mood…especially when I’m upset.

The other day, I was showing him the closet doors I had painted for our nursery. I expressed my disappointment that they didn’t look as nice as I wanted them too.

His response was, “Maybe they will look better with one more coat of paint”.

I complained that I had already done 2 coats of Kills primer and 2 coats of paint and I really didn’t want to spend any more time on yet another coat.

He could tell I was frustrated so he simply smiled and said, “Well then, I think the doors look just fine.” Then he winked and left the room. {and all of this was done with the dry sense of humor that both my husband and his dad share}

Seriously, how can you not love that!

Like I said…a perfect match

OK, now for a few pictures:

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FIVE YEARS: This is just this past weekend at my cousin’s wedding {21 weeks pregnant!}

FOUR YEARS: A random picture after church.

THREE YEARS: A vacation to Traverse City and Mackinaw Island.

TWO YEARS: Hiking Mount Rainier in Washington State. {Yes, the mountain roads were really covered with snow in June!}

ONE YEAR: At a baseball game in Wisconsin — it was insanely hot in there.

ZERO YEARS: Our wedding day

Here’s to another 55 years {at least}!

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The start of the school year always gets me thinking about teachers…probably because I’m married to one and I see all the work he puts into lesson plans, tests, and grading every day.

Dave is a high school math teacher and absolutely loves his job — which I’m thankful for.
And while he loves math, he really isn’t a total “math nerd” — which I’m also thankful for!

Now that I think about it, there are some serious advantages to having a math-whiz around. I knew I married him for a reason!

He is my…

1. Personal Navigator: I don’ t need an expensive navigation system for my car because I just use Dave. He’s great at reading maps, has an amazing sense of direction, and can always find the shortest route from “Point A” to “Point B”.

2. Furniture Mover: I’m not sure how he does it, but he can ALWAYS figure out the best way to angle, twist, turn, and maneuver furniture through our narrow doorways or down our too-tight hallways. Maybe it’s just because I “let” him practice so often!

3. Recipe Converter: Since there’s only 2 of us, I’m always altering recipes to make smaller quantities…which usually means lots of fractions.

4. Landscape Assistant: Over the past few years, we have completely re-landscaped our entire yard. While the projects are always my idea, Dave is right there to help me measure and plan out the beds. He also offers practical advice as to why I shouldn’t plant 20 of my favorite plants in such a small space.

5. Silent House-mate: He can stay occupied for hours at a time doing Logic Puzzles, Sudokus, or other math related puzzles. Sometimes I even forget he’s here.

6. Human Calculator: He has some crazy mental-math skills — enough said!

7. Packing Expert: He can always figure out the best way to strategically pack the car any time we go on vacation. {Although this might come from hours of playing Tetris as a kid}

8. Project Guinea Pig: He asked me to make a “math skirt” for his desk at school. This is what I came up with.

When is the last time you used this fabric?

9. Voice of Reason: I like to do things as quickly as possible {it’s true}, but Dave takes the time to read instructions and devise a methodical plan of action…which has come in handy more often than not.

10. Oh, and he totally adores me: although, I think he would even if he wasn’t a math teacher.

…and who says you don’t use math in real life?

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